HomeAre you living with someone whose perfectionism has gotten out of control? Take a deep breath. You are not alone, and you’re NOT crazy. The purpose of this site is to provide basic information, references and links for those struggling to understand a Significant Other who not only strives beyond reason for her/his own Perfection, but is constantly trying to ‘fix’ everything s/he sees wrong with you.
What's wrong with Perfectionism?
Setting high goals, being prepared for all eventualities, and striving to be great in everything one does would seem to be a good thing, right? How could that possibly be described as 'awful'?
Awful is when your lover goes from constantly telling you you’re beautiful, to constantly telling you that you would be beautiful - if you’d lose some weight. And then when you do, hearing you’d look great - if you’d only lose another ten pounds. Whatever you do, you will rarely hear any praise for what you’ve accomplished, just criticism for where you’ve fallen short.
Awful is being berated because you took too long at the grocery store and you didn’t call home to let her know you weren’t in an accident. Or because you left the toaster plugged in. Or because you referred to a ‘table’ knife as a ‘butter’ knife. Or because the doctor’s office called to confirm your appointment, and the phone rang when she wasn’t expecting it.
Awful is when the sweet, tender, considerate man during your courtship morphs into Mr. Hyde when you marry or move in together. He goes from being Mr. Right to Mr. Always Right, and you become Ms. Always Wrong. You don’t even know how to wash your hands correctly. Don’t you know, you’re supposed to put the liquid soap on them first, then wet them in the running water and lather. Don’t you see that when you wet your hands first, you leave a dirty drip of water on the soap dispenser? Sheesh, you’re such a slob! I see that I have to show you how to do everything!
Here’s the crazymaking aspect. Despite what seems like clear-cut verbal, and sometimes even physical abuse, you sense that behind it all your partner is not truly malicious. When you express hurt and anger at the behavior, she reacts with bewilderment. She loves you, and is just trying to help you. Why can’t you understand that?
Labels are for Pickle Jars,
Not People
While there is truth to that saying,
you’ve probably already found it’s
not real helpful to Google
‘nit-picking’ or ‘catastrophic
thinking.’ The following labels may
help you locate articles and books
that shed light on this condition,
and those who have it.
• Perfectionist Personality Disorder
- while not a medical term, this will
be used most often on this site, as
the most accurate and least confusing description of the issues these people and their loved ones face.
• OCPD aka Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder - the term most in vogue, but leads to understandable confusion with OCD (or worse yet, COPD), which are different conditions altogether.
• APD aka Anankastic Personality Disorder- a blast from the past, currently not used much in the US.
• “Being anal-retentive” - another oldy but goody from Freud, though there’s no real research to suggest that this disorder has anything to do with toilet training.
• Control Freak - a popular layman’s term. (But kind of rude - who wants to be called a freak?)
Perfectly Awful is not about merely having high goals or standards. It’s about Perfectionism on Steroids, an excessive need to seek control over almost every aspect of one’s environment - and the people in it. People with this disorder are obsessed with being “right,” being in control, and bringing order to their lives and environment (though frequently, their efforts actually lead to chaos.)
It’s a personality disorder where the person who has it generally doesn’t recognize they have it. They sincerely believe nothing is wrong with them, but that they’re surrounded by incompetent people they must constantly correct and help, all the while catastrophes - ones that only they can prevent - lurk around every corner. No wonder they frequently feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and cranky!
Meanwhile, the people around the Perfectionist: husbands, wives, significant others, children, bosses, employees, siblings, and friends, are often driven to frustration, despair, and even to doubting their own sanity.
*Disclaimer: The author of this site is a volunteer, not a doctor, and no advice or
information presented here is intended to substitute for professional advice or
consultation. Seeing a professional counselor, preferably one specializing in
personality disorders, is recommended. Even if the Perfectionist Personality
refuses to participate (because after all, there’s nothing wrong with him - or her!),
those who live or work with such a person can find tremendous relief and clarity
from individual counseling.
Meltdowns Happen
